Midnight Musings

I got a call from my wireless provider trying to get me to commit to another two years with them. I wasn't interested, really, but my phone is hopelessly out of date and the guy was funny. He told me that they would upgrade my super-cheap plan for free, include all the benefits I already have, plus expand my "local" calling area to encompass, without roaming or long distance charges, the entire United States and Guam. That's where I stopped him. "Guam?" He, in energetic sales-pitch mode, said, "How cool is that? You can go to Guam and still be in your local calling area." "Why would I go to Guam? Do you even know where Guam is?" "I don't know. Isn't it by, like, Australia?" "I don't think so. It may be closer to Australia than New York." "Wouldn't you like to go to Guam?" "It sounds hot. I don't like hot." "Well, you could go to Alaska, then. That's in your local calling area, too, and it's not hot." "Neither is Canada. Canada is closer to me than both Alaska and Guam and it's cold without being dark six months out of the year. Why not make Canada part of my local calling area?" "I would if I could, really." "But I am far more likely to go to Canada than either Guam or Alaska and I won't be able to use my phone there. You're offering me benefits that will never benefit me." "But how do you know? How do you know what the next two years will bring? You may decide to go to Guam just to find out where it is, and then you can call anyone you know in the US for free while you're there and fill them in. And you could send me a postcard." Meanwhile, my son looked up Guam. We learned that it is almost 1500 miles southeast of Japan. Not quite as remote as Samoa (which is as close to the middle of the ocean as it could possibly be and about which Cellphone Boy's education was even more woefully lacking) but still pretty isolated. I said, "I'll tell you what. I promise never to call either Alaska or Guam if I can have Canada for free." "I can't give you Canada. Not for this plan. I would if I could because you're a really nice lady and I'm even staying late to talk to you because I'm enjoying it, but Canada just isn't available as an option." "And Guam is." "And Guam is, yeah." "But WHY???" I was not understanding the corporate mindset. "You know, ma'am, I'm seriously considering taking the whole Guam thing out of my script because, now that I actually know more about Guam, I may be tempted to answer customers' questions about it." "So, you think that being knowledgeable about Guam would be more of a liability than an asset." "I think it's possible." "The mere mention of including Guam in our local area was a selling point, but actual information about the island of Guam would not be." (Never try to educate the public.) "I'm not sure. I'm not sure any of our other customers would find it as entertaining as we do, either. And seriously, I hope you will consider going there on your next vacation because I really would hold you to that postcard. You could tell me what they eat there. What do they have in Guam besides water?" I laughed. "You need to look this up. All I know about Guam is ocean and hot." "No, I think when I go home tonight I'll be done with Guam. Besides, it sounds too small for me. I mean, there's no place to go." "Feeling claustrophobic? On an island? There's nothing but open on an island." "Yeah, but if you want to get away, where do you go?" "Canada." It was worth a shot. I didn't get Canada, but I will get a free upgrade to my obsolete cellphone...and virtually endless opportunities to call Guam for free. 'night.