Midnight Musings

I'm not a gambler. I don't even take many calculated risks. When I do, anyone I tell is completely shocked. I ask God for direction, so it's not really a risk from that standpoint. But in dealing with people, sometimes you just have to guess. They act one way with one person, differently when around another. What is real? What can you count on? People are generally shallow and interested in material and fleeting pleasures. Kindness and honestly are in short supply and I always grab for it when I find it. But what else is mixed in? Nothing here on earth is pure. There is always something hidden and no one can know anyone completely, not even oneself. So, do we keep the world at arm's length or open up those arms? What about our minds? A disillusioned friend asked me last week what I wanted. I gave my stock answer, "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." I honestly didn't know what else to say, which is sad. I know I want to write. But what? Songs. But I don't want to shop them around. I don't have enough confidence for that. I can barely let go of them long enough to allow someone else to read them. What am I passionate about? My kids, but that's not a living. I want to do something that counts. That's all I know. I recently heard a song lyric that went, "There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done." But it's the deal I'm having trouble with. Sigh. 'night.