Midnight Musings

A scary e-mail:

For those of you who already have children past this age, this list is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

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1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
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2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
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3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
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4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.
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5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
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6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
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7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
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8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
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9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock despite the evidence in Survivor.
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10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
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11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
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12. Super glue is forever.
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13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
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14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
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15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
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16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
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17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
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18. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.
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19. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade ... true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of
the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then, and asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy cow! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.
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20. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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'night.

Why do things look so much bigger on film? An anorexic woman looks slim and lovely. An acorn looks like a coconut. A bald coconut but a coconut nonetheless. And that's without any effort on the part of the camera crew. Advertisers spend big bucks to have their product look oh-so-much bigger and better than it really is in order to induce us to spend our oh-so-much smaller dollars. Face it. It's an acorn.

'night.

My co-worker is obsessed with food. My boss is, too, but it's an unrelated obsession. They evolved independently of one another. But my co-worker eats green salad with grilled chicken every day. It's the most boring thing I've ever seen. All she thinks about is food and all she eats is salad. Don't get me wrong - I love salad. I eat salad-stuffed wraps all the time but I vary the other components. My boss mostly eats Italian take-out but at least he has something different from the menu. I have a friend who only eats sweet and sour pork (possibly the most awful dish ever created) when she has Chinese food and I can't even look at her plate. The person who said variety is the spice of life was onto something. Possibly a life raft of some kind. Or clinging to his capsized dinghy. Why these images are coming to mind right now is more than I want or need to think about. The brain needs food and I think that's the crux of the matter. Need input! And sleep.

'night.

Billiards, golf, tennis, archery, baseball, bowling, darts, volleyball, eating, the space program. It's all a matter of trajectory. Someone somewhere got an enormous government grant to study this. Kids, all that boring math you were forced to study in school really can come in handy if you find an obscure enough theory and the proper audience for it. Unbelievable. I need to document my own studies. Some inveterate politician will find them worthy of a shower of cash at some point, I'm sure.

'night.

That was a very strange movie. I'm going to watch the original version tonight on video to see what the intent was. I found the language downright painful to listen to. At one point I was completely distracted from the movie by the sheer offensiveness of it. Someone who must get even less sleep than I do counted 72 foul words. That doesn't include 17 other obscenities, 11 religious profanities and other references. My question is, what was the purpose? It wasn't a bad movie. At least I don't think it was - I can't really be sure. Did the director think the original wasn't funny enough and required shock value to spice it up? I'm looking forward to seeing what it was that appealed enough to him to inspire a remake. At the moment I can't imagine what he was thinking.

'night.

I can't get into weather.com. My browser keeps freaking out when it tries to connect. Is there a weather system we need to know about? Is it a conspiracy to prevent us from being prepared? The end is near, I tell you!

'night.