Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Periodic Table of Condiments
The things people can take seriously astounds me. I found it amusing.
Table of Condiments That Periodically Go Bad
'night.
(0) comments
Table of Condiments That Periodically Go Bad
'night.
Monday, September 27, 2004
President Carter and the killer rabbit?
Old news story from a former president. I never knew about this. You can't make this stuff up.
Pictures courtesy of The Jimmy Carter Library by way of Narsil.org
'night.
Friday, September 24, 2004
New driver?
On my way home from work yesterday, I was stopping at a red light and heard squealing tires. My immediate thought was that I hadn't fully stopped and I jammed my foot down harder into the floorboard just as I felt a thump! behind me. I got out of my car and the lady in the car behind me (now a good four feet away) shook her head and shrugged sheepishly at me. (Say that five times fast. Shook and shrugged sheepishly.) When I'd gotten back into my car and the light turned green, I pulled over to the side of the road. Sheep Lady drove around me and took off! I didn't get the make or model of the car but I got the license plate number. There doesn't seem to be any damage to my car but, man! People are so self-absorbed.
I was going HOW fast???
'night.
(0) comments
I was going HOW fast???
'night.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Please don't ask me
I saw someone walking on the street wearing a big button saying, "Ask me how!" I say, if you don't want an answer, kindly refrain from asking me the question. I think it's a simple concept. However, someone I work with is having trouble with it. She continues to ask me questions and then dispute my answers. Even if I don't know the answer and suggest that she ask someone else, she argues that it's an inappropriate time, idea, etc. Then she asks the same question again, as if expecting a different answer. She asks if she can do anything for me and then when I give her something, she argues that she should do it a different way or do something else entirely. Is it me?? Here are two recent conversations. Judge for yourself.
Would you please call the attorney for me?
Shouldn't I call the client?
Not if I need you to call the attorney.
But shouldn't you ask the client?
Not until I know what the attorney says.
But it's really up to the client.
Not necessarily. If you don't want to call the attorney, I'll do it.
No, I'll do it. I just think we should call the client, first.
---------------------------------------------------
Is a Modification Agreement the same thing as a recorded Mortgage?
No.
But they serve the same purpose.
Maybe they do but they are different documents.
Who do we send it to?
The bank.
What bank?
The one that drew up the Agreement.
That's a mortgage company.
The mortgage company, then.
But you said the bank.
The mortgage company acts as a bank.
But it's not a bank.
Okay, it's not a bank.
What bank should I send it to?
Uhhhh...the mortgage company.
But you said to send it to the bank.
Now, I've worked in a preschool and people have told me I have an amazing store of patience with children's infinite capacity to come up with questions. God has an infinite store of patience and it must be His that these people see, because I have serious doubts about my ability to remain calm with this woman.
On a related topic, I don't like it when people ask, "How are you?" when all they really mean is, "Hello." Mule girl says it's a rhetorical question. I think rhetorical questions should be those to which there is no answer, not to which you don't want an answer. That just opens things up to a whole new world of rudeness.
'night.
(0) comments
Would you please call the attorney for me?
Shouldn't I call the client?
Not if I need you to call the attorney.
But shouldn't you ask the client?
Not until I know what the attorney says.
But it's really up to the client.
Not necessarily. If you don't want to call the attorney, I'll do it.
No, I'll do it. I just think we should call the client, first.
---------------------------------------------------
Is a Modification Agreement the same thing as a recorded Mortgage?
No.
But they serve the same purpose.
Maybe they do but they are different documents.
Who do we send it to?
The bank.
What bank?
The one that drew up the Agreement.
That's a mortgage company.
The mortgage company, then.
But you said the bank.
The mortgage company acts as a bank.
But it's not a bank.
Okay, it's not a bank.
What bank should I send it to?
Uhhhh...the mortgage company.
But you said to send it to the bank.
Now, I've worked in a preschool and people have told me I have an amazing store of patience with children's infinite capacity to come up with questions. God has an infinite store of patience and it must be His that these people see, because I have serious doubts about my ability to remain calm with this woman.
On a related topic, I don't like it when people ask, "How are you?" when all they really mean is, "Hello." Mule girl says it's a rhetorical question. I think rhetorical questions should be those to which there is no answer, not to which you don't want an answer. That just opens things up to a whole new world of rudeness.
'night.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
No more insidious commercials
I didn't realize until now that the era of the insidious commercial has unofficially ended. Unofficially only because I have no authority to proclaim it officially over.
I've seen in passing some of those television specials about "classic" commercials (Can you say, "Scraping the bottom of the barrel?") and they are entertaining in a, what is the word I want, inane? way. That's a spicy meatball. Where's the beef? I look like a squirrel. Eat your darts. Great googeldy-moogeldy. These are things you can use in everyday conversation.
What do we have now? "The cheesy snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off" or the Oscar Mayer weiner/bologna songs are the closest to insidious that we have. Now that I'm thinking about it, I haven't heard the weiner song in a while. Gee, I haven't even missed it.
Now, the Armour hot dog song, THAT'S insidious. Totally un-PC, but insidious. That's a Trivial Pursuit answer, although the last line doesn't rhyme and no one can explain why.
Hot dogs. Armour hot dogs. What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs. Armour hot dogs - the dogs kids love to bite.
Encouraging the public to gleefully sing about overweight children, the overly timid, and children who bite dogs. Now, that's insidious.
'night.
(0) comments
I've seen in passing some of those television specials about "classic" commercials (Can you say, "Scraping the bottom of the barrel?") and they are entertaining in a, what is the word I want, inane? way. That's a spicy meatball. Where's the beef? I look like a squirrel. Eat your darts. Great googeldy-moogeldy. These are things you can use in everyday conversation.
What do we have now? "The cheesy snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off" or the Oscar Mayer weiner/bologna songs are the closest to insidious that we have. Now that I'm thinking about it, I haven't heard the weiner song in a while. Gee, I haven't even missed it.
Now, the Armour hot dog song, THAT'S insidious. Totally un-PC, but insidious. That's a Trivial Pursuit answer, although the last line doesn't rhyme and no one can explain why.
Hot dogs. Armour hot dogs. What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs. Armour hot dogs - the dogs kids love to bite.
Encouraging the public to gleefully sing about overweight children, the overly timid, and children who bite dogs. Now, that's insidious.
'night.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
The Christmas Song is in my head
It was eighty degrees outside this afternoon, hurricanes are battering the southern states and all I keep thinking is, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." Why does that happen? What dictates the opening/releasing/recalling of those memory bubbles at seemingly random moments?
A friend (who will be disowned if he continues to annoy me this way) deliberately started singing a song to me tonight that he knows I detest. After he got the desired reaction, he asked, "Did you ever notice that it's the songs you hate that you hear the most?" That thought kept me from listening to the radio for the rest of the day...possibly the month. Thanks so much.
Jack Frost nipping at your nose...Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos. I read somewhere that Mel Torme was only 19 years old when he co-wrote that song. Who knew it would be such a source of exasperation so many years later?
'night.
(0) comments
A friend (who will be disowned if he continues to annoy me this way) deliberately started singing a song to me tonight that he knows I detest. After he got the desired reaction, he asked, "Did you ever notice that it's the songs you hate that you hear the most?" That thought kept me from listening to the radio for the rest of the day...possibly the month. Thanks so much.
Jack Frost nipping at your nose...Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos. I read somewhere that Mel Torme was only 19 years old when he co-wrote that song. Who knew it would be such a source of exasperation so many years later?
'night.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Paper cuts
Paper cuts hurt. Even the staunchest, most stoic person loses the ability to suffer in silence when faced with the little devils. Muscle pulls, broken bones, lacerations and bruises can all be borne but slice your skin on a page from a book and the sounds escape before you can think about it. I've been suffering an inordinate number of paper cuts myself, lately. (Hmmm...odd choice of words, there.) So much so, in fact, that someone kindly told me that if ever anyone felt the need to capture and torture me, no weapons of any kind would be necessary. All they would have to do is lock me in a room full of paper and I'd bleed to death within hours.
If it's the thought that counts, what's the total?
'night.
(0) comments
If it's the thought that counts, what's the total?
'night.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
We're doomed!!
After my blow dryer exploded, forcing me to buy a new one (how's that for an opening line?) I read the instructions. Number seven said, "Never use while sleeping," which, after I finished giggling, reminded me of an old e-mail someone had sent me. I hunted it down and hereby memorialize it for your reading pleasure (and mine). Enjoy!
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are actual warning labels and instructions found on consumer goods. Check it out when you're in the stores.
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...)
Cooking instructions on a package of Bacon: "Broil slices for 6-7 minutes on each side. No turning necessary" (Do they turn themselves over?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I have to admit I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
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'night. :)
(0) comments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are actual warning labels and instructions found on consumer goods. Check it out when you're in the stores.
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...)
Cooking instructions on a package of Bacon: "Broil slices for 6-7 minutes on each side. No turning necessary" (Do they turn themselves over?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I have to admit I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
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'night. :)
Monday, September 06, 2004
Misnomers
I was thinking about sickness. Motion sickness is sickness caused by being in motion. Air sickness is caused by being in a plane in the air. Heart sickness is caused by affairs of the heart. Home sickness is caused by...being at home? Affairs of the home? Something is wrong here. It's like parking in a driveway and driving on a parkway. It's just not right. Someday I'm going to figure out how to fix it and then no one will know what to do except me. Ha!
'night.
(0) comments
'night.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
My thoughts are fleeing
It's not so much that they're fleeting. They're fleeing. I went to all the trouble of searching out the picture below and, now that I've set it all up, I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to say about it. Darned lack of sleep.
'night.
(1) comments
'night.
